Hello everyone 

Do you feel like when talking to your partner, you talking to a brickwall? Are there things you argue about and find no resolution? That means you are experiencing what is know as gridlock.

For me the best way to avoid gridlock is to acknowledge that this certain thing is annoying me and making my life miserable first. After I have acknowledged that I try talking about it with my partner and if the response was not productive, I pray about it. Praying about what is bothering me and just inviting the Lord to intervene has been working best for me. My prayer would be as specific as possible. In most cases I feel like when I do that the Lord is in a better position for helping me with whatever I was feeling, because He knows my partner better. Sometimes I would pray for what my partner is not doing right, but the Lord would answer by taming me for him rather than fixing the problem with my partner.

The central message of Gottman's book is making sure what couples go through is normal and that there are ways to solve any problem. Before I read the book I used to think that my marriage was the worst and also the fact that what i used to feel about my partner is out of this world. When I read the book, I was so relieved to know that I am not the only one facing what I am facing. Also the fact that there are ways to deal with the challenges of marriage. There would be  moments where I would feel lonely and not in the mood for talking to anyone about what I was feeling, but whenever I read the book I would feel so much at ease.

The central message of Goddard's book is inviting the Lord more into our marriages. I remember when I was preparing for temple sealing, I was advised to never sideline the Lord in my marriage. They were right. Doing the things of the Lord as a married couple does not only bring the couple closer to the Lord but also help the couple to more closer to one another. The gospel blesses us in so many ways. When the Spirit of the Lord resides in each family, marriage, relationship all things fall into place. It does not mean the challenges will not be there but He will surely bring the tranquility and charity.

I suggest you invest in buying these books, as they will help bring peace in your lives and families. As they did to mine.

Piwe

Hello guys
One of the writer who is also a relationship expect came up with a percentage that affects most married couples. He said 69 % most marriages face are perpetual. He gave an idea of those perpetual tings..."the other partner wanting a baby but the other does not want, House chores, the other partner wanting sex more while the other does not want,which church a child should go to if people have different religions.  I know with my friends and family when we talk about our marriages, we complain about the same things that is why I think the percentage number is accurate. I remember chatting to a friend about the challenge I had with house chores and all that. She asked me about the background of my partner. After telling her, she said she also struggles with getting her partner to help her. The excuse of our partners are the same, they grew up in families where woman only did house chores. What helped me in that situation was letting my partner know that, things have changed as the gospel teaches us of being equal in helping one another,
I remember the first time I visited the church; my father hated it because it had white people. His defense is because of what happened during the apartheid era, the struggles blacks went through. On the other hand, my mother had no problem as she saw how the church teaches correct principles and taught young people about moral values and so forth. During that time, my parents fought and things escalated into separation. I decided not to investigate the church anymore but my mom refused. My mother assured me that the angry my father had was not about me but rather with the fact that they have been experiencing marital problems. I remember fasting and praying that they fix things and come to terms that I was being baptized. The Lord did answer my problems as they fixed their issues and both signed consent forms for me to be baptized. Their marriage improved for the better.
Forgiveness is important just in general and is even more important in marriages. I do not think I would have still been married if our marriage were not based on forgiveness. Imagine two different people staying together, obviously conflicts will arise and sometimes the best answer is forgiveness. I know I am not perfect neither is my partner, that is why we need forgives from time to time. I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter.

On what we have learned this week. I was so humbled by the topic of pride, as it did touch my heart and made me to reflect into my own life. I just love how the talk opened up into emphasizing the importance of us knowing, “there is no righteous pride.” I know how much the human nature loves to justify thing to suit their needs. Pride is pride. It is the central feature of enmity towards God and our fellowmen. Satan uses it to reign over us and I feel like we do embracing it in our loves because of our puffiness. People with pride always want more and love feeling superior and give credit to themselves. I have achieved this because I have worked and sweat hard for it, I feel like we do not always give credit to where it is due. We achieve things because of the strength God gives us, without Him, we would not achieve anything.  

Comparison get in the way for people with pride. They look at their success, look at others, and compare. They do not want anyone better than them. Marriages are also affected by it. When a partner does something and do not want to apologies for it, because they feel like the other partner should be apologies even knowing they were the ones at fault. Marriages of gender inequality suffer even more because husbands are never at fault. I remember the way my father used to act all superior all the time, was hurtful. My om was a quiet person and my father used that as his own advantage. I am not saying he was a bad person, just like it was a way he was raised and saw from his own parents. That is why we are to show a good example to our own kids. We wouldnt want them to grow up with that picture in their minds. Opinions of wives are not valid unless it is about children and house chores. That happens a lot in my country and women suffer in silence. That is what makes me to be even grateful of the gospel, as it teaches us otherwise and pride affects everyone, does not matter the sex, race or gender. I am curious though, how do you deal with someone who has pride? and knows they do but doing nothing to change it?

 A quote that was made by President Hinckley hit my heart so hard when he said, “if only we could see our partners as resurrected beings, being perfect and from all that we used to despise, we would kneel down and worship them. As often, we turn to focus more on the wrongs and how we could change them in our partners. Yes, sometimes we will fall out of love for a second because of what our partners did or did not do. That should not mean the marriage has to end but rather praying for them. When I got married I focused so much on negativity other than allowing my love for my husband help me overlook some of those negative things. What frustrated me even the most was wanting him to change, and I felt like the Lord was too slow for His intervention. I would pray day and night for him to change. When I saw what I was praying for did not seem to happen, I paused and used my powerful mind on how to pray best instead of being frustrated. A prompt came to my mind that I should pray for my inner peace simple by asking the Lord to help me be a good example to my partner and not focus on what he needed to do. From that day, forth the Lord helped me to have inner peace in being patient with his imperfections. Just like when we are facing challenges, we should pray for peace instead of wanting the Lord to take them away.

I love what President Hunter shared, “whatever Jesus lays His hand upon it lives. When He lays his hand upon our marriages, it lives as well. “These words are so profound and I believe if we would all take them into our daily living we would live too. I often hear people say, marriage is a suffocation and I feel like the reason why they feel that way is because they do not allow and invite the Lord into it. There is no way one could live with a different gender, with different background without making the Lord as their center. Marriage itself is not ease even when Jesus Christ reside in it, how much more when He is not part of it. When I got married, my relationship with the Lord became even more firm because he knows me and knows my husband that makes Him the right person to turn to.

This week's reading has been great and impacted my life in a way I find it hard to believe. I did a lot of evaluation and self introspection. Growing up as a last-born made me to be a little bit inconsiderate of other people. When I was in my teen years, my siblings had already moved out of my parent's house. I was left with my mother and that made me to think of myself only. My mom shared with me with almost anything she had. When my siblings visited they did the same thing of sharing with me only. Whereas my husband was an older brother to his siblings. He basically was forced to share and he learned that at a younger age.

Getting married became a different dynamic for me. I had to be considerate and learn to share and make sacrifices, which was not easy. I remember, we would draw up a budget and then I would have to go and do the shopping. I used to buy what I wanted and liked. Did not think of him at all. Do my hair and buy myself clothes. This one time, he politely told me how he felt about me not thinking of him. I explained to him why I did that and he helped me on how to be a better sharer. I also learned about making sacrifices in marriages. For me I sacrificed my dreams, I wanted to study in a varsity and stay on campus. Because I got married before I went to a university, I changed my goals. It did not feel right to be separated from my husband. I had to change my dream career choice and choose something less demanding. I am a stay at home wife because his job requires him to travel a lot. Sacrificing these things was not easy but very rewarding and I wouldn't change them. Though at first, I felt like I had no longer have a purpose. I love how marriage taught me to be considerate and be more selfless, it truly is rewarding no regrets whatsoever. 

So friends any sacrifices you had to make or what marriage has taught you? 

Hello everyone

I truly enjoyed this week reading and it made me to evaluate my own way of doing things. I loved the part of happy marriages are built on good friendships. A question was asked to think of a best friend and my mind went straight to a very good friend of mine who is not my husband. Then later I learnt the importance of making our partners to be our best friends and I felt so embarrassed and it did hit me that it is crucial for our partners to e our best friends as well. In my mind I never thought our relationship should go that beyond, I do not know maybe it is a cultural thing, be that it may it is not too late to change it.

I was chatting with a friend of mine who got divorced; she said something about the temple marriage did not do any good for her. She said she was miserable and neither did the gospel helped her in her problems. This week I read a book about “drawing marriage in our marriages.” on my side I truly believe as we live the gospel more fully our marriages could be saved and escaped the adversary. I know from experience if I do not read the scriptures and pray I become distant in my marriage and by doing these things with my husband helps us to have the spirit of the Lord. That spirit helps us to be kind and more loving to one another. There was a time when we were in a dark space because we had a miscarriage. We were angry with God on how it happened. I almost died and asked God why would I lose my baby and still almost lose my life. I stopped praying, reading scriptures and paused any contact with the Lord. That time Satan was telling me all sorts of negativity, which drove me into depression. I had to go for counselling, but never did help. A prompt came to my mind to pray and read about the atonement of Jesus Christ. As I did that, that dark cloud hanging over that and me slowly diminished made me to realize that the gospel is all that we need to survive in anything.

Hello everyone

I truly enjoyed Elder Hafen’s thoughts on marriage and how much Satan is after it. I get those feelings as well when I see people getting married. I remember on our sealing day, everything was just so perfect; there was never a doubt on my mind that I made a wrong choice. At that time, I had friends who were already married, they were just so happy for me and kept saying marriage is awesome. That was what made me to look forward to. Few months after our sealing things became intense, as there was a lot going on that made funny and us to argue enough my husband called it quits. I quickly asked my friends, why they never said anything about its challenges. They laughed at me and said welcome to the real adult world. That made me to be very sad, as I had wished they at least given me some glimpse of the sour part. From that day, I told myself I would share the good and bad times of marriage with my friends, especially the ones who asked. Please do not get me wrong, I am not trying to scared them, but rather enlightening them that marriage is not always bliss and sweet. There was a time I was asked to my experience about marriage on a Young Single Adult class. As I prayerful pondered what to share, I was prompted not to leave the part of its challenges and how to work hand in hand with your partner in conquering them. After I shared my experience, almost all of them were so thankful for my authenticity. They said most married couples only told them of the honeymoon phase. By the way, my husband is still with me as he was just feeling overwhelmed by how quickly things changed into sweet to sour.

Satan is truly on a mission to break marriages and most of the time he succeed. Just like what Elder Hafen said, that there are wolves in marriages and if we are not working together we will fall into those traps. I believe working together and putting God first could help us be protected from them. I know from experience if my relationship with God is compromised, I become not so nice to my partner. Being on the Lords side helps a lot.

Let me know if you want the talk, shout out.